CITV,
CBBC, C***
A study of Crudity in
Children’s TV
[Any additions /
corrections to the usual address... satkids@paulmorris.co.uk]
"Does anyone
remember," asked Jason Crawley, "the trend that hit all
SatKids shows in the mid-late 80's in which people would phone in
to speak to the musical guest(s) simply to be abusive and swear
at them? This trend has been non-existent in recent years though
- surprisingly, because you'd have thought these modern pop stars
deserve such treatment."
Seldom a truer word
spoken - around here anyway. Therefore we at SatKids,
ever keen to document any and all unimportant and asinine facets
of kids' TV, now present for you - in roughly ascending order of
naughtiness - a brief history of such vulgarity:
- Blue Peter: Simon
Groom spots an irresistable opportunity while helming an
item on antique front doors, and secures his otherwise
doubtful place in broadcasting history with the phrase
"Well, they really are a lovely pair of
knockers." To think you never heard Noaksey say
anything ruder than ‘backside’.
- Johnny Ball Reveals All:
Zoe’s pop explains some elementary aspect of biology
by poking around in a human turd. This also
happened on another "learn the kiddies" show,
the name of which escapes us, and had the added benefit
that the turd was carried around in a lunchbox.
- That bloke off of Newsround
on Andy Crane’s last day at CBBC: "Well
done mate, you did a bloody good job." Heartfelt
praise, strangely not repeated when Andi Peters left.
- That bloke off of Press
Gang to an unheplful telephonic operator in a
particularly good episode of the aforementioned:
"Thank you very bloody much!" Respect also due
to the episode of Press Gang wannabe Wavelength
which can apparently never be repeated because of
complaints regarding its use of the term
"virgin".
- Blue Peter, again:
Caron "Carry On" Keating having an orgasm while
being massaged on the summer expedition to Russia.
"This is what I always expected – ooh – a
massage to be like… mmm… lots of rubbing.
Aah!" Understandably, the majority of the complaints
received concerned the display of Mark Curry’s
amusingly pale arse in the same edition.
- Round the Twist:
"Piss" - via an amusing Spoonerism of "we
kissed on the old pier". Also had an entire episode
about bird shit.
- Classic serial The
December Rose where the young urchin shouts
"It’s ‘orse shit! It’s flamin’
‘orse shit!" How many similar urchins across
the country shouted in reply "He said shit!"
and got lamped by their mums as a result?
- Tiswas: Willie
Rushton (or Spike Milligan, depending who you believe)
commenting on a 12-year-old contortionist: "Sitting
duck for a deviant…" And they say Tiswas
eventually started to appeal more to an adult audience
than ver kids..! Surely not.
- Saturday Superstore
phone-in to Matt Bianco: "You’re a bunch of
wankers," said one Simon Roberts. Difficult not to
feel cheered by this.
And what of the future? In ten
years time, according to Gormenghast’s Martin Clunes,
the ‘s’ word (shit) will be commonplace in kids TV,
which means in twenty years time toddlers will probably be
sitting down to watch monster hit ‘The Telec**ties’.
Wonder what shape Tinky Winkie’s aerial will be…
Known Omissions:
"Thomas the Tank Engine
pulled out of the station", anything allegedly risque in
Captain Pugwash ‘cos it just ain't so, and the
Flowerpot Men’s apparently expletive-laden nonsense –
"flobbadobbabuggeryfuckalob" indeed…
Paul
Morris / Simon Scott. Thanks be to Tat Wood.
I'm sure there is
tons more where that came from, and I for one want to know about
it. So, as we said above: Any additions / corrections to the
usual address... sat.kids@ic24.net
This
"article" will appear in SAD Magazine issue 5, when
the bugger finally comes out.